Kids Can Be Funny Too

Kids Can Be Funny Too


It’s been awhile since we’ve had a laugh here at Knight Chills so I thought I’d share a couple of emails from the past.

Kids   Are   Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER:  Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA:  Here it is.

TEACHER:  Correct.  Now class, who discovered America? 

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________ 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?

GLENN:  K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong.

GLENN:  Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:  H I J K L M N O. 

TEACHER:  What are you talking about?

DONALD:  Yesterday you said it's H to O.

 __________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:  Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 _______________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.

MILLIE: I is…

TEACHER:  No, Millie... Always say, I am.

MILLIE:  All right.  I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 ________________________________ 

TEACHER:  George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

(This kid is definitely a future horror writer).
 ______________________________________

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:  No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 ______________________________

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 

HAROLD: A teacher.

 Were you as bad as the next two kids? I was probably worse. 




A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old.  "I think it’s about time we started Cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK!


He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Keeping it light! Take care, friends. 

Brought to you by friends of Nomar Knight. 

Dream On!

Dream On!

There was this boy who woke up one night with a nightmare. He cries, “Mummy, Mummy!” His mother came rushing into the bedroom and the boy told her that he had a dream that Grandma died. So a week later, his Grandma died.

The boy woke up another night screaming and he told his mother that he dreamt that Grandpa died. Strangely enough, a week later Grandpa died. The boy woke up yet another night screaming that he had a nightmare in which his father died.

The mother told the father and he became very cautious. He watched his health and treated his body excellently. So a week passed and the postman died.

Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.

"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. How may I help you?  The doctor asks, "Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I'm lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me."

"And then what do you do?" the shrink asks. 

"I push them away," the man says. 

"Then what do you want me to do?" the shrink asks. 

"Break my arms!"

Dream Come True

Three dreams of a man:


To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects…

FAT CHANCE!

Catch you on the dark side.

Nomar Knight

©2011 Nomar Knight. All rights reserved.

A Knight Chills Presentation.

Poor Guy Moments

 

It's been a stressful week so it's time for some poor guy moments. 

Poor guy 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:


"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

This guy isn't poor.  He's super stupid!

Male Assertiveness 

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.


The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.


He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.


The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.


Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


"The funeral director," said his wife.

 

Okay, so you got to meet a few poor guys, but I would be remiss to exclude the women folk so here's one just for them. ;-)

Impossible to Please 

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Have a wonderful night!

See you on the funny side of the dark side.  

Nomar Knight

Jokes compiled from variousstuff.net  

And Coolfunnystuff.com 

© Copyright Nomar Knight 2011. All rights reserved. 

A Knight Chills presentation.

Psychopaths Seek Killer Representation

Anyone know a good lawyer? We're not too guilty.

Psychopaths Seek Killer Representation
by Nomar Knight


     It's not easy to kill people in front of audiences and get away with it.  Horror characters are under enormous pressure to literally get away with murder.  Not all of them have supernatural powers.  Some just wear strange costumes. 
     Well, I'm here to complain about the flaws that hardworking psychopaths face during their legal representation.  You'd be surprised to discover that not all horror characters are rich, therefore they get thrown to the lions.  Some of the lawyers representing the highly skilled artists, (Carving the skin off victims while they're screaming takes great skill and patience.) find it reprehensible that their defense lawyers are completely incompetent.  Here are a few examples of actual transcriptions. 


These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word

for word, taken down and now published by court reporters

 that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges

 were actually taking place.

  ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

 Can I get a new attorney?

 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 WITNESS: By death.

 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

  WITNESS: Take a guess.

  ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going

 with male.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

 performed on dead people?

 WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much

of a fight.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 ____________________________________________

 And the best for last:

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient

was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Okay, so our favorite psychopaths don't always get the best legal representation, but the media has a way of complaining about the wrong things. Here a few headlines that got my attention.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

(I'm glad someone's tough on crime).

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers 

Should Be Belted (Is my mother working

for the government now?)

Eye Drops off Shelf 

(Rob the people blind as a politician,

 no one cares, but take a few eyeballs

 and society gets bloody mad).

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 

(Freddy Kruger said this is just wrong,

 it's better when the little buggers are running).

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 

(In their defense they are werewolves).

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

(This is what happens when pro golfers 

watch too many horror movies, but hey, 

it improved his game).  

You reading this, Tiger?

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

(I purchased the cow. No one guards 

my property better than Hacksey).

Miners Refuse to Work after Death 

(Darn ghosts are so fickle).

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

(You see, not the lawyer, the defendant).

Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die

for Second Time in 10 Years

(Another victim of a bad lawyer.

 You bring a guy back from the dead and he 

loses another trial).

Deer Kill 17,000 

(I say it's environMENTAL. 

They lived in Jason's neighborhood).

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 

(Not even the dead can escape nature).

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 

(Oh oh, Joe, one of my characters needs a lawyer.

Anyone know someone with killer legal skills?)

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

(Zombie sympathizer!)

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 

(What's the point of dying if you can't have fun?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 (Looks like Chainsaw needs a lawyer too).

You can find more Stupid Headlines here 

See you on the dark side or not. 

© Copyright Nomar Knight 2010. All rights reserved.

A Knight Chills presentation.