Knight Chills: comedy

Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Dream On!

There was this boy who woke up one night with a nightmare. He cries, “Mummy, Mummy!” His mother came rushing into the bedroom and the boy told her that he had a dream that Grandma died. So a week later, his Grandma died.

The boy woke up another night screaming and he told his mother that he dreamt that Grandpa died. Strangely enough, a week later Grandpa died. The boy woke up yet another night screaming that he had a nightmare in which his father died.

The mother told the father and he became very cautious. He watched his health and treated his body excellently. So a week passed and the postman died.

Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.

"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. How may I help you? The doctor asks, "Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I'm lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me."

"And then what do you do?" the shrink asks.

"I push them away," the man says.

"Then what do you want me to do?" the shrink asks.

"Break my arms!"

Dream Come True

Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects…

FAT CHANCE!

Catch you on the dark side.

Nomar Knight

A Knight Chills Presentation.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Golden Years Fun

Who says you can't have a good time when you get older?

However, I do admit to sometimes having problems with my hearing.

Here's something total shocking!

Told you it was shocking. Can you believe MySpace still exists?

Some things do get worse with time.

Some problems get more unique over time, even for dogs.

How about "accidents" during old age?

I hope that doesn't happen to me.

With age comes the understanding that perception is everything.

And although this last one has nothing to do with "old age" fun, whatever and whenever that is; I just couldn't help but include it since I'm sure many of you enjoy rooting for an underdog.

Besides, it's horror!

Enjoy your week everyone!

Catch you on the funny side of the dark side.

Nomar Knight

A Knight Chills presentation.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Making of a Perfect Couple

Let's face it. Many of us struggle maintaining loving relationships. So today's post is dedicated to the unique coupling of perfect couples. The interesting chemistry starts with a date.

Okay fellows. Women love men who are sincere, at least that's what other women say. Truth be told, they expect a liar and you should be true to who you are.

Yep! Honesty isn't always the best policy. Now like all relationships, stormy "Misunderstandings" are inevitable. Do your best to get through it.

Do you get that fellows? Never admit to doing anything wrong. Especially if you get caught being romantic with someone other than your girlfriend. Not that I condone such deplorable, lowdown, underhanded...

Well anyway, sooner later, numbness well begin to swell your brain to the point you'll agree to stupid things and eventually relinquish the control you thought you had.

All right, you've caved in and given up most of your manhood. One sure way to tell if your relationship is deteriorating is when her compliments feel as if they've been hurled at you like a sharp object.

Good communication is essential to any relationship. Unfortunately, though it sounds like we're speaking the same language, it slowly dawns on us that we may be mistaken.

Sooner or later, the battles escalate. So remember, try to be kind and courteous to each other.

And always listen to the folks who've been there and take their advice.

See you on the other side of darkness.

Nomar Knight

© Copyright Nomar Knight 2011. All rights reserved.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Experiencing Mid Novel Writing Blues?

There's a rumor going around that many writers get to the middle of their novel and suddenly, the empty pages take over. It's not writer's block, but more like a fear of success or a natural desire to break with routine. So in the spirit of helping those who've struggled or are struggling with their masterpiece, this post is for you.

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

I'm really not mean, but some days...

This is what happens when my muse takes over target practice.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in a second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”

Here's a clue you've just rented an apartment from a notorious crime family.

Before I became a writer, I tried my hand at singing.

Everyone's a Critic!

Most of us ignore the obvious signs throughout childhood that indicate what we'll be in the future. Here's a glimpse at just one of the many signs that I would be a Horror Writer.

Writing is all about perception.

Okay. That's enough wandering around for one day. Time to get back to work and write something entertaining.

If I don't catch you on the dark side, then you can catch me on the lighter side.

Nomar Knight

© Copyright Nomar Knight 2011. All rights reserved.

Monday, February 21, 2011

More Than Luck: An interview with Author Alex Knight

Author- Alex Knight

Please welcome the talented and versatile Alex Knight.

Tell us a little about yourself.

I enjoy writing about murder and horror. Born in Toronto, I have lived in a number of cities in Canada and the United States. Currently, I live in a small city outside of Toronto with my partner. I love to travel and if I'm not reading I'm writing. Oh yes, I hate research. I love reading about all sorts of things - for entertainment purposes. If I have to memorize dates and details - it becomes work.

Tell us about your latest book.

My latest book is my 2010 NaNoWriMo 'winner', which is yet unnamed. It is the back story of my character, bodyguard Anya Orlova (The Bodyguard, The Mermaid and Dolphin) and her continuing adventures.

How did you get started as a writer?

I started out by taking an online writing class, winning a writing contest and getting published in the local paper before the class was over. It encouraged me to continue writing humorous essays for newspapers. I was able to earn several bylines while working on what I really wanted to do, which was write fiction.

What’s a typical day like for you?

I start the day on the computer, then head out for my day job, which is accounting. While I'm crunching numbers I'm thinking of the latest works in progress, writing dialogue in my head, etc. When I get back home it's time for dinner and another couple of hours on the computer - writing, catching up with friends and other writers on Facebook, Twitter, etc.

What do you like most about reading and writing?

I enjoy the escapism reading provides, there's nothing like curling up with a good book. When I write, I can say and do all the things I would never do in real life - especially since more often than not I write about murder.

Which author influenced you the most?

It would be impossible to say one writer influenced me more than another. There are a number of writers who inspired me for many different reasons. The short list would be topped by Edgar Allan Poe, Dashiell Hammett, Raymond Chandler, John D. MacDonald & Agatha Christie.

Tell us 3 interesting things about you.

I have to admit that this question stumped me and I asked my partner to help me out. He immediately came up with a half dozen things. I told him there was no way I was admitting to any of that much less putting it in writing. On a serious note I think interest, like art, is subjective. Would your readers find it interesting that I'm into archaeology, that I'm a silversmith or that I used to teach ballroom dance? Probably not. They might be interested in knowing that I do believe in paranormal experiences having had a number of them myself. I once saw a person days after he died, only at the time I didn't know he was dead. When I read about his death I was shocked, thinking how I had just seen him - then I discovered the newspaper was already several days old. If I have the same or similar dream two or three times, I know it's a warning to be taken seriously. A couple of dreams have literally saved me from physical danger and possible death. Fortunately, I haven't had any lately. Also, I have had several psychic readings (Tarot, palm & tea leaves) that were so accurate it was eerie. I'm still waiting for the last prophecy to come true, lol.

Would you say you write specifically for one genre and if not, what’s your favorite genre to write?

I try not to think of genres when I write because the lines tend to blur for me. A story might appear to fit one genre when I begin but as it unfolds it can often end up being something totally different. While I usually write about crime and murder, I also cross over into horror, paranormal and chick lit. I would really like to write more horror novels, but find it difficult because more and more I'm finding things scare me less and less. I can generally write enough horror to fit the short story category, but can't stretch it out to a full blown novel.

Best and worst part of being a writer?

The worst part is that it doesn't (yet) pay the bills. However, like most writers I write for the love of writing. The best part is that I love the creative process and watching where the characters take me as their stories unfold.

Advice to writers?

Write - I can't stress this enough - thinking about it isn't doing it. And never listen to your inner critic or the advice of family and friends (unless they happen to be famous authors.) Never stop to edit as you go, otherwise you will never finish the project. When you finish a project put it aside for a while - let it rest. Then go back and read it again, out loud. If you stumble over the words so will your readers. Mark those passages with a high lighter and keep going. Once you're finished you can start the editing process. But be careful, self-editing can become a perpetual task. You will always find something you think you can improve upon. Any author who thinks he's nailed it and could never improve upon his work is only kidding himself, but you have to know when to stop.

Interesting story about writing.

I can create a story around a word heard randomly, and usually that word will figure into the title somewhere. Also, whenever I start a larger project, if I don't already have a title in mind, I usually come up with one after the first few pages. At the very least I have a working title until something else comes to mind. This time around I'm drawing a blank. I keep referring to the story as the Bodyguard WIP and I really need a title before I send it off into the world. I think I need to have a 'name the ebook' contest.

Thank you Alex Knight for a wonderful interview.

You can catch more of Alex in her website here

Click on the What Luck Cover to order the outstanding book. You won't be disappointed.

Alex Knight has granted Knight Chills non-exclusive rights to display this work.

A Knight Chills author interview.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Poor Guy Moments

It's been a stressful week so it's time for some poor guy moments.

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

This guy isn't poor. He's super stupid!

Male Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Okay, so you got to meet a few poor guys, but I would be remiss to exclude the women folk so here's one just for them. ;-)

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Have a wonderful night!

See you on the funny side of the dark side.