Friday, December 3, 2010

Psychopaths Seek Killer Representation

Anyone know a good lawyer? We're not too guilty.

Psychopaths Seek Killer Representation
by Nomar Knight

     It's not easy to kill people in front of audiences and get away with it.  Horror characters are under enormous pressure to literally get away with murder.  Not all of them have supernatural powers.  Some just wear strange costumes. 
     Well, I'm here to complain about the flaws that hardworking psychopaths face during their legal representation.  You'd be surprised to discover that not all horror characters are rich, therefore they get thrown to the lions.  Some of the lawyers representing the highly skilled artists, (Carving the skin off victims while they're screaming takes great skill and patience.) find it reprehensible that their defense lawyers are completely incompetent.  Here are a few examples of actual transcriptions. 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word
for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
 that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
 were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
 Can I get a new attorney?
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
  WITNESS: Take a guess.
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going
 with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
 performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much
of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 And the best for last:

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Okay, so our favorite psychopaths don't always get the best legal representation, but the media has a way of complaining about the wrong things. Here a few headlines that got my attention.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(I'm glad someone's tough on crime).
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers 
Should Be Belted (Is my mother working
for the government now?)
Eye Drops off Shelf 
(Rob the people blind as a politician,
 no one cares, but take a few eyeballs
 and society gets bloody mad).
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 
(Freddy Kruger said this is just wrong,
 it's better when the little buggers are running).
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 
(In their defense they are werewolves).
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
(This is what happens when pro golfers 
watch too many horror movies, but hey, 
it improved his game).  
You reading this, Tiger?
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
(I purchased the cow. No one guards 
my property better than Hacksey).
Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
(Darn ghosts are so fickle).
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(You see, not the lawyer, the defendant).
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die
for Second Time in 10 Years
(Another victim of a bad lawyer.
 You bring a guy back from the dead and he 
loses another trial).
Deer Kill 17,000 
(I say it's environMENTAL. 
They lived in Jason's neighborhood).
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
(Not even the dead can escape nature).
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
(Oh oh, Joe, one of my characters needs a lawyer.
Anyone know someone with killer legal skills?)
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
(Zombie sympathizer!)
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 
(What's the point of dying if you can't have fun?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
 (Looks like Chainsaw needs a lawyer too).
You can find more Stupid Headlines here 
See you on the dark side or not. 
© Copyright Nomar Knight 2010. All rights reserved.
A Knight Chills presentation.

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